Purple

Purple. Your favorite color.

It was a fear of yours that you’d be reduced to your favorite color. I hope you felt honored and not oversimplified that I asked everyone to don that royal hue for your celebration of life. I requested fun earrings, too. I shared stories. There was music and crying and baja blast. No one could say that the most interesting thing about you was your love of purple.

A sea of purple is how the crowd was described to me. I couldn’t look out at everyone. I couldn’t meet anybody’s eyes, because the only pair I was looking for was present in photographs only.

I asked the flower shop for sunflowers, daisies, and purple. The dining room is full of a jungle of your favorites. The ferns match the caps your dad made for us all, which match the wooden box he made for you. It’s on display with our other treasures and trinkets, not far from the sacred spot where your ashes live.

Purple nail polish is everywhere. In my memories, in pictures, in a couple of bottles next to your jewelry box. Every time you’d buy a new bottle, I’d marvel at its similarity to the others, and your insistence that it was different somehow. I didn’t mind because it brought you joy, and that’s the only thing I concerned myself with.

Two purple tops of yours lie on your pillow, which is really my pillow placed on your side of the bed, because I sleep with your pillow now. I remember you wearing the sweater across the years, including more recently. The shirt was new, with zippers to allow your port to be accessed for treatment. But you wore it, and it didn’t get washed. One of the few things.

I wear your acid washed purple t shirt all the time now. It’s too big on me just like it was too big on you. I can almost hear you telling me to give it back to you. It always made you laugh that I couldn’t remember which clothes you’d given to me and which ones I wore just because I like them.

I haven’t found your cabbage merchant shirt, but I have been watching Avatar again. I cry nearly every episode. I cried so hard during Tales of Ba Sing Se that I had to turn the TV off. Bacon worried about me. Most times I cry like that he just cuddles harder.

I bought a bundle of dried lavender that I’m keeping in the car. When I get in, instead of being greeted by your absence, I am hit with its scent that you loved so much. I still feel lonely, deep down into my bones, but the reminder is worth it.

I wear your rings every day. I wear the bracelets we made every day. I carry your spirit with me everywhere I go. I don’t know if souls have colors, but I like to think yours would be a rainbow, with maybe a hint of extra purple.

Everything reminds me of you, and I find myself seeking that. I look for purple everywhere, because I’m already thinking of you, and I’d rather find new ways to remember than have my vision obstructed by tears. They continue to come, and I let them. I miss you more than words have been invented to describe. I will love you forever and always.