Alchemy

I didn’t think of it until now, but I think you’re an alchemist. You had no quest to hoard wealth, didn’t desire immortality, and preferred silver or platinum to gold. The way you could create joy and contentment from the most unlikely of elements is what I’m referring to. Who else could face the terror of a cancer diagnosis with such a bright smile? Who else would take a photo with Geoffrey the Giraffe for posterity on that dark day? Only someone with a true heart of gold (or platinum) could face all you had to face during your life and remain soft, gentle, kind. You were, and remain, one of a kind.

From a young age, I’m told, you sparkled. Shined. It’s evident in the photos and videos from your childhood. Tap dancing and climbing trees, often sporting a candy necklace, using technology like an expert. The world was simultaneously your stage and your playground. What a beautiful thing to experience. That lens certainly carried through to your adulthood even though there were so many opportunities for it to crack. Especially in your adolescence, you weathered many storms. I won’t share details, because I don’t know how much you’d want me to say, but suffice it to say you endured more in the first 22 years of your life than many experience in an entire difficult lifetime. I remain in awe of your grace and strength.

Upon meeting, I was touched by your magic. We both brought many proverbial suitcases full of baggage to our relationship and we got to work unpacking and organizing it all together. No judgment, no artificial walls, just two people falling in love and deciding to do the hard work of setting up a successful relationship. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of how unlikely it was for us to be together. That’s just proof that we were meant to be. Soulmates.

We taught each other so much during our time together. You continue to teach me now. We both endured many scary health situations, terrible living environments, mental health challenges, interpersonal issues, identity crises, debt, illness, unemployment, and all of that was before we found out you had cancer. We got together shortly before the pandemic and made it through that together, too. Not once did any of those things ever get between us. It was always you and me versus the problem. I could jump into any abyss holding your hand because I knew we’d see each other through absolutely anything that came our way.

For all the truly challenging things we had to face, we made happiness and enjoyed our time together thoroughly. I could conjure dozens of memories that coincide with these tough times, and I truly owe it to you for showing me that life could be that way. You always had something hilarious to say, an idea for something fun to do, and dessert was a daily requirement. Once when I didn’t pick what to have for dessert fast enough, you told me that you were “just asking me to prioritize what’s important to you in this marriage.” As silly of an example as that is, it really shines a light on how incredible it was. To be dealing with everything we dealt with and not have it turn us bitter is an achievement worth celebrating. Our love is more than an achievement; it is everything. You are my whole world, made of light and love.

Every single day, I cry for you. I cry for the future we won’t get to live out and shape together. But I always, always come back to a funny message you sent me, or a gift that made me smile, some photos from a random Tuesday, all the happy memories that live on. I know that you aren’t gone. I am simply adjusting to your body not being here anymore. Thank you for everything. I love you.